catch me if you can

You can't begin to understand the Mozambican culture until you've driven a day or two in it.  The Mozambican's are extremely laid back people.  If they say they will be there at noon, don't expect them to show up until 1:20pm at the earliest.  However, when a Mozambican gets behind the wheel of a car or truck or chapa (the little dangerous people packed vans), he somehow becomes alive.  (I say "he", not to be sexist, but you don't see too many women behind the wheels here.)  When you're driving on the road, its every man (or woman) for himself/herself.  

 

In order to truly drive properly here you really need 3 hands; one for the steering wheel, one for the stick shift and one for the horn, unless you are double jointed and can honk with your elbow.  I'm still working on the flexibility though and am currently grossly under par on my horn honks.  

 

Last week Eduardo had surgery.  They wouldn't tell me what for, but I have been told he can't sit down. I'm guessing it was somewhere in the region of bottom back-side area.  So yours truly has been nominated chauffer of the month.  

 

This has had its benefits; Clemencia is getting out more since she doesn't have to schedule it ahead of time with Eduardo and I am getting to know my way around the city, which I'm sure is good for some reason, its just not totally clear, since I'm leaving in a week.  (commence: mini internal celebration due the afore mentioned departure)  There have been times recently when Clemencia asked me to take her somewhere that I don't exactly know where to go.  Yesterday she asked Fernando to come along to ease the translation difficulties.  That is usually Arlindo's job but he's been sick with the flu since Saturday.  The thing with Fernando is, as much as he is learning English in class, and doing really well, he severely lacks in the way of giving directions.  For instance: I'm driving along and as I come near a place where I think they want to stop, I ask, here? Fernando just points straight ahead, saying "No", and makes the motion to keep going, so I'm briefly confused but I drive on.  Then all of a sudden he says, "aqui" (here) and I'm magically supposed to stop in the middle of the road with traffic pouring all around me and let them out.  I didn't go to chapa driving school.  He forgets that we kinda need find a parking place first and that if he had said "yes" when I asked originally we would have a beauty of a parking spot and they would have only had to walk about 25 meters to the door.  Then I realize this is Mozambique and I can pretty much park wherever I want to (not really) and that Fernando is probably used to Eduardo's driving.   He has this habit of driving Clemencia pretty much up to the door of wherever she's going to at the moment; whether that means driving on the sidewalk and parking there or not.  Eduardo is bold enough (or crazy enough) to go where no man has gone before.  They just assume I'm that way too.  See, here is the difference between when Eduardo and i drive; I learned from day one behind the african wheel that it doesn't take much for the cops to pull you over, so I try my best to follow what little traffic laws there are.  Eduardo can get away with a lot more (and tries) but he also has the habit of ticking a lot of other people off while he drives.  Which is really hard to do around here because most of the time, when you do something wrong, they'll just honk, or flash their lights (which is their way of flipping you off) and go on.  They are actually pretty cool about it.  When Eduardo drives, the other drivers usually take the time to stop, and/or block him off, so that he can enjoy a slur of angry Portuguese words, to which he flashes this huge smile and laughs, says something back to them and carries on.  (Actually, come to think of it, I could probably do that to, except for the part when he says something back to them in Portuguese so they will let him drive on)

 

Don't get me wrong though; don't think I'm this demure American girl behind the wheel of a blue boat sometimes confused as a Mitsubishi Pajero.  I can drive it like I stole it.  (or as Arlindo likes to say when we're picking up speed: Eat my dust!)  I've learned how to pass around slower trucks when another vehicle is heading straight toward me (I never thought I'd enjoy the game of chicken till now).  I've managed to squeeze between two chapas at an incredible speed with inches on either side without getting scratched by either one.  I've figured out which traffic lights the locals actually stop at and which ones they don't (same goes for stop signs)  and when you come to a busy intersection where the lights have long been broken and there isn't a traffic cop around, you just aim the car in the direction you desire and close your eyes and gun it, (just kidding, that only worked once).  No, you inch and weasel your way through like all the other cars trying to inch and weasel their way through their various chosen directions. 

 

I think the biggest dilemma in this Mozambican world, is that the cars somehow got here before the roads and rules did.  Everyone drives wherever and whenever he/she wants to and there is very little patience involved.  If someone is stopped ahead, very few will slow to stop behind that person; they instead will zip around, whether that means traversing sidewalk or shrubbery to continue on their merry way.  The plus side is: since it seems that every other driver here is in a state of lunatical madness you can get away with a lot more.  Very few take offence if you do something wrong.  This is something that we could change in the States.  We shouldn't take it so personally if someone cuts us off or passes us or etc...  I have known many a person, myself included, who will mope for hours after a road idiot crossed our path.  These Mozambicans would have to make a career out of moping if they held that attitude.  They think its better to save their time for other things, like sitting still for hours under a palm tree or re-braiding their hair 38 more times.  

 

When I get back you may not want me to get behind the wheel of a vehicle right away. I am liable to drive on the wrong side of the road or sidewalk at a not-so-slow rate thus causing all humans in the vicinity to either: A: no longer need the ex-lax they were planning on taking; B: break the 3rd commandment as well as emitting other expletives; or C: try and calm the cop down after i pass him a $20 thinking he wanted a bribe.